


Missing You

by golden_kimono



Category: Jrock, the GazettE
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Mental Instability, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_kimono/pseuds/golden_kimono
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m not forcing you to read these messages or anything. I hope you do, though. I hope you know everything I’m trying to tell you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for hc_bingo on LJ, square suicide attempt. Written from Ruki's POV.

_Sent: 14 October 2013 - 08:53_

It’s been about a month since I last saw you. How are you now? I know we didn’t part in the best of ways, but I want you to know I wish you all the best and I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day for what I did to you. It’s a cliché, I know, but I truly never meant to hurt you. I was being selfish and childish and when I’m angry, I don’t exactly think straight. Those are no excuses, or no good ones, at least, but the only reason I even did it was because I felt like you were pushing me away and I missed you. I still miss you. These past four weeks I’ve been thinking of ways to apologise, but I somehow always ended up turning it around, like it was your fault. It wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t. And I deserve you hating me, but please… Give me a sign that you’re not angry with me anymore. I don’t know if I can cope thinking you despise me every single day. In fact, I _know_ I can’t. I already hate myself for driving you away, and isn’t that punishment enough? Well… No, it isn’t. But you’re a much better person than I am, always have been, so maybe you feel differently. Ha, that’s a terrible thing to even think, isn’t it? It’s probably a mistake to send this. I don’t care.

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 17 January 2014 - 21:34_

Another three months have gone by. It’s winter now. You must be cold. You always liked spring better, didn’t you? While I’ve always loved winter the most. Kind of like our personalities: you bring life while I’m cold. Do you ever think of me? Because I think of you all the time. I actually bought you Christmas presents. They’re at the back of my closet, because I don’t really know what else to do with them… I texted you on Christmas day, again on New Year’s, but you never replied. I guess it was silly of me to think you’d reply, but a guy can hope, right? I didn’t tell you this, but I actually got us matching sweaters. Yeah, I know, you hate that kind of thing, but I wore mine anyway. It made me feel like you were with me. I must sound like some crazy ex right now, huh? Sorry about that. The truth is, though, I do feel like I’m going crazy without you. Even my dad asked me if I was okay, can you believe that? He’s never cared or, if he did, bothered to show it.

I don’t expect a reply. Reading through this message, I don’t think even _I_ would reply to me. But it’s okay.

I still love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 29 January 2014 - 13:55_

Where are you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 29 January 2014 - 23:21_

Everyone refuses to talk about you, like they’re worried it will hurt my feelings if they do. No one has mentioned seeing you and I haven’t seen you even in the places you could always be found. I’m scared…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 14 February 2014 - 03:09_

Happy fucking Valentine’s Day. Not like you care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 15 February 2014 - 11:44_

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I didn’t meant what I said. I was out drinking with some people, had a lot too much and I suddenly got really angry with you. Even though it’s my fault you left. I’m sorry… If roles were reserved, I wouldn’t talk to me either. Or is it would I talk to you, in that case? Because I would do that. I will always love you and nothing could tear me away from you. I’d be angry, but I’d always come back to you. Please don’t hate me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 3 June 2014 - 20:57_

Long time no see… My friends told me not to text or email you anymore after I texted and rang you on your birthday last week and you never replied. “What’s the point?” they said. And I suppose there isn’t one, but I want to see if there’s a message that will get through to you. I’m still sorry, for everything. I miss you more than I can describe and I wish you’d give me a second chance. Please…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 7 June 2014 - 18:39_

I bought a new jacket today. It reminds me of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 19 June 2014 - 19:23_

I got my hair dyed today. I’ve gone black again and I think I will keep it this way. Do you still bleach your hair? I’d be surprised if you have any hair left at this point, to be honest, hahaha.

I love you, still.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 28 June 2014 - 12:33_

Sorry for the many emails I’ve been sending you. Aoi deleted your number from my phone and from pretty much anywhere he could think of so I can’t text you anymore. He told me I need to move on and that it’s not healthy to be stuck in the past. But I have faith that we’ll be together again. You’ll forgive me some day, won’t you? You just need some time and that’s okay. I can wait for you. I _will_ wait for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 2 July 2014 - 15:43_

Thinking of you. Work is boring. I wish you were here, that would make it more bearable. Remember how you came into my work that one time and we spent my entire lunch break in the restroom? I think we scarred some people for life, but it was worth it.

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 13 July 2014 - 01:29_

Uruha asked me if I was feeling any better yesterday. Idiot. Like I could possibly feel better without you here. Watching _Prison Break_ right now. I can practically hear your commentary in my head, hahaha. Well, we did watch it often enough. …No, not enough. Never enough. I miss you so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 17 July 2014 - 07:54_

I saw someone on the train today who looked an awful lot like you. I wanted to go over to him and say hello, but didn’t want to embarrass myself. I like to think it _was_ you, though. He smiled at me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 22 July 2014 - 16:03_

Aoi came to help me with something on my computer and saw my emails. He shook his head at me and threatened to delete your email address. Like it would matter. I may suck at numbers, which means I never remember phone numbers, but I know your email by heart. I don’t know why he’s so worried anyway. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone, right? I’m not forcing you to read these messages or anything. I hope you do, though. I hope you know everything I’m trying to tell you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 25 July 2014 - 18:54_

Today I was hanging out with Kai and he – very carefully – told me he thinks I need to see a therapist. I bet Aoi’s been talking to him. Asshole. I told him to mind his own business and that if you were bothered by it, you’d simply block my email or tell me to piss off. He just gave me one of those pitying looks and hugged me for longer than usual when we said our goodbyes. Don’t think I’ll be meeting up with him again any time soon. Might have to avoid Aoi as well, but that might be harder since we work together. Ah well, if worst comes to worst I’ll just ask to be moved to a different department. Might be a bit drastic, but I’m just tired of being treated like I’m not right in the head. I think you were the only one who really understood me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 2 August 2014 - 05:53_

I can’t sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 7 August 2014 - 02:45_

Aoi invited me to a birthday party of a friend of his a few days ago. As if. I declined and he told me that if I kept up this attitude, he might stop trying to help me. I told him I never asked for his help in the first place. The only person I’ve ever asked help from has been you. I don’t need anyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 11 August 2014 - 03:01_

Uruha told me I’m not the only one hurting. Like I don’t know that already. After all, I hurt _you_ , didn’t I? He also told me it might be helpful to talk about it to someone, but I know what he’s really trying to do. He’s trying to send me to one of those doctors too, like Kai did. They’re just trying to get rid of me. Maybe they’ll think you’ll come back if I’m no longer around. Sometimes I feel the same way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 11 August 2014 - 03:21_

…Would you? Because I don’t want you to be alone and I’m worried you must be, because we had so many mutual friends you no longer see. If I’m not there, you won’t have to avoid me. And I don’t mind being alone. I’d rather be completely alone than with people who aren’t you anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 14 August 2014 - 00:12_

Got a message from Kaolu. He’s in the area and wants to meet up, but I don’t think I want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone anymore. I’m so tired… And you’re never there, so what’s the point?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 15 August 2014 - 15:05_

Turns out Kaolu talked to the other guys and he showed up on my doorstep earlier to check up on me. Because clearly I can’t take care of myself. I wasn’t going to let him in, but he threatened to kick down my door. Not that I think he could have, I just didn’t want him to make a scene. He didn’t stay long, luckily. Kept telling me you weren’t going to come back and that I should stop shutting everyone out. He doesn’t understand either. He left about an hour ago, with a promise that he’d be back. Good luck trying to get in next time! I don’t need people stepping on my hopes. You never did that. You always encouraged me, no matter what.

I’m still so sorry… Sometimes I feel like the guilt is eating me alive. I know I need to be patient, but please, a sign would be nice. Something small. Nothing more. Just something to get me through the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 17 August 2014 - 23:58_

I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I miss you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 19 August 2014 - 01:47_

Kaolu showed up again. With the rest of them. It felt like an intervention. I didn’t let them in, though. Yes, I know Kai has a key for emergencies, but I’ve had my locks changed. Ever since Kaolu’s visit I was worried something like this would happen and I guess I was right. They banged on the door and practically begged me to open up. Kai said something about ringing the police, so I yelled at them to fuck off, and eventually they did. They’ll probably be back. Everything is falling apart without you…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 23 August 2014 - 05:33_

Went out for something to eat. The guy next to me started up a conversation, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to talk to someone without constantly being judged. I told him about you and he said we always end up right where we’re supposed to be, and that if I truly believe we’re meant to be, a little patience is all that’s needed. I knew this already, but it’s nice to hear it from someone else. He likes birds, like you do. Was he the sign I’ve been asking for?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 26 August 2014 - 17:06_

I just woke up. Apparently Kai dropped by again. He left me a note under the door, asking me to please contact him. Kaolu sent me another email: he’s off to Taiwan for a few weeks and hopes I’ll find the help I need, and he’s sorry if he offended me in any way. They both seem worried I’ll do something stupid, whatever that means.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 29 August 2014 - 02:34_

Even if you haven’t forgiven me, you still love me, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 3 September 2014 - 04:12_

It’s been nearly a year since we last saw each other. I hope you’re happy now, even if it’s without me. I’m not. I don’t think I can ever be happy if I’m not with you. I’m sorry… I wish I could undo it all. I wish I could back in time and stop myself. Tell myself I’ll hate myself forever if I do it, because I’ll lose you. And I’m going to have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 4 September 2014 - 09:29_

You’re never coming back, are you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 4 September 2014 - 10:34_

Did I tell you I lost my job? It happened a while ago, but my boss said he could no longer count on me. Whatever. The only thing I miss is the money. I put some aside, so I’m doing okay for now. And if worst comes to worst… Well, we’ll deal with that when the time comes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 4 September 2014 - 10:37_

The worst already happened anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 4 September 2014 23:04_

I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 5 September 2014 - 03:24_

Why couldn’t you have just stayed so we could’ve worked things out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 5 September 2014 - 19:57_

Some days I hate you for doing this to me. But I hate myself more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 6 September 2014 - 13:43_

Your mum sent me a parcel. I don’t know why or what. The letter taped to it said that whatever’s in it was something you had planned to give me and she thought it was time I got it, because she could no longer keep it. Why send it me then and not just throw it away? She never liked me much and she must hate me even more now, so I don’t understand. I don’t know if I want to open it, though. I don’t trust it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 6 September 2014 - 17:15_

Oh…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 7 September 2014 - 03:59_

You know what? Fuck you! If this is a fucking sign, then it’s not fucking funny. Why would you do this to me? Why would _she_ do this to me? I can’t do this. Fuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 8 September 2014 - 16:12_

A ring, huh. A fucking ring. You do realise it wouldn’t have meant anything to the law, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 8 September 2014 - 16:13_

Then again, you never cared about that. As long as it meant something to us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 8 September 2014 - 18:09_

Is this some kind of punishment? Because it’s cruel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 8 September 2014 - 18:14_

Then again, what I did to you was cruel too. I guess I deserve it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 9 September 2014 - 04:49_

I don’t think I can wait anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 9 September 2014 - 05:13_

I wonder what you’d say to me. Probably that I’m an idiot. Which I am, aren’t I?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 9 September 2014 - 21:02_

I’m wearing it. It’s mine, after all. And I know you’d have wanted me to. Eventually. Your mum sending it to me means it was time, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 9 September 2014 - 21:46_

Unless this is all a cruel joke. But that’s not your style. Or your mother’s.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 9 September 2014 - 21:55_

I will always love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 10 September 2014 - 06:01_

Two more days… I hope I’m ready for this. Then again, I think I’ve been ready for a long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 10 September 2014 - 11:17_

Kai rang me to ask if I wanted to hang out with him on Friday. I told him I had already made plans. He sounded relieved. Ha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 10 September 2014 - 20:38_

You’ll be there for me, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 11 September 2014 - 02:24_

Tomorrow. I’m nervous, but happy. Are you feeling the same way?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 11 September 2014 - 03:51_

I thought I’d wear what I wore to our first date. Well, not exactly the same thing, because I got rid of those clothes ages ago, but something similar. I think you’d appreciate that. And the ring. Can’t forget the ring.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 11 September 2014 - 05:16_

I might send the guys a message before I go see you tomorrow. Just to let them know not to worry and that I’m okay now. You’d want me to do that too, wouldn’t you? I know you don’t like disloyalty, so my behaviour must’ve really upset you recently… I’ll make it up to you. I promise. And to them too. As far as I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sent: 12 September 2014 - 04:18_

Soon. <3

 

“Good thing he sent that message, or we might have been too late,” Kai sighed as he leaned against Aoi, who wrapped an arm around him and rubbed his shoulder.

“Good thing you saw it when you did!” Aoi pointed out. “You heard what they said: any longer and he would’ve been gone.” He shook his head and stared at the little figure in the hospital bed, still out cold, but alive. “How do you think he’ll be when he wakes up?”

Kai shrugged, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. “I’m not sure… He won’t be able to get out of needing help now, though. Did you read those emails he’s been sending Reita? I had no idea things were that bad…”

“Of course they were bad. He lost the person he loved, remember?” Aoi said. He saw Uruha outside the door and waved him in.

“I know he did, but aren’t people supposed to get better with time? He only seemed to be getting worse,” Kai said nervously.

“I don’t think he ever really accepted it, though,” Uruha said as he sat down after giving the two of them a hug. “At first there was denial, but when part of him started to realise Reita would never be back, he suppressed it entirely. It was easier that way.”

“Not to mention that he blamed himself for it,” Aoi said.

“The accident could have happened anyway, though! It had been raining, the roads were wet and we all know Reita liked to go fast on that bike. It was basically a recipe for disaster,” Kai said desperately.

“Yes, but he left after a fight with Ruki. He left angry,” Aoi explained. “I agree it wasn’t his fault, but I can see why he’d disagree. Plus, knowing someone died before you were able to make up with them… That’s horrible.”

“Oh, I do get it,” Kai replied with a sad smile. “I just wish he wasn’t like this.”

The three of them stared at their friend silently, no more words needed for now. It took a while, but eventually Ruki stirred and blinked open his eyes, which made them hurry over to the bed.

“How are you feeling?” Kai asked quickly, cursing himself for the stupid question. How did he _think_ Ruki felt after all this? But to his surprise, Ruki smiled. When Ruki spoke his next words, though, he wished he had never asked and the three friends exchanged a look of horror at what came out of his mouth.

“I’m okay.” Ruki stared off to the side and his smile grew. “He finally came back to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually much angstier and longer than I intended it to be... A while ago I read [a post on Tumblr](http://inkskinned.tumblr.com/post/66335154133/i-cant-stop-writing-about-him-i-think-its) that included screencaps of someone continuing to send Facebook messages to a loved one like they were still alive, sometimes deep things, sometimes just "I went shopping today". Of course this is slightly different and Ruki went much further. 
> 
> Why did Reita's mum send Ruki the ring? Who knows! In my head she couldn't bear to throw anything related to her son anyway, but this was one thing she couldn't possibly keep, especially with the anniversary of his death coming up. That's difficult enough to deal with. Perhaps she did partly blame Ruki, perhaps she thought it would make him feel better. If you want to know why Reita got angry in the first place, feel free to ask (if it's not clear from the very vague hints). I didn't think everything needed to be put into words, though.
> 
> Anyway, thank you to anyone who read this!
> 
> On LJ, where I originally posted this, it was pointed out to me that the ending is a little unclear, so let me clarify: Ruki was still traumatised by Reita's death, which only got worse the closer the anniversary of his accident came. Add his suicide attempt to this and you have a Ruki who has gone psychotic. He genuinely believes Reita has made his way back to him.


End file.
